in which karkat sucks at being romantic
by pepsicola porn
Summary: AU Humanstuck: John receives an incredibly inappropriate e-mail from Karkat and decides to confront these potentially homosexual feelings during a sleepover. Nothing can go wrong! KK/John. PWSP.
1. John: be a confused derp

Your name is John Egbert and you just received an incredibly sexually explicit e-mail from one of your best friends.

** John: freak out**

The e-mail sat before you, flashing and glowing like some foreign alien that crash-landed right onto earth just to grope your brain inappropriately with words. You couldn't believe that Karkat Vantas had actually e-mailed you, much less something so totally homosexual and ew, because you were supposed to be friends! When Karkat had first transferred here nobody went near him because he liked to yell at people but you had fearlessly approached him and wiggled your way into a position of "friendship" - something you were adamant you had.

You had given Karkat your e-mail and Pesterchum account and you two talked online, but this was the first time Karkat e-mailed you. Until you actually opened the message you had been eager to see what was inside. Now you regretted even opening it because there it was, a glowing foreign creature full of words that made you squirm awkwardly in your seat.

You had been staring at it for five minutes now and, thoroughly freaked out, you hastily logged on to Pesterchum to consult Dave.

**- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -**

EB: dave dave dave dave  
>TG: what<br>EB: dave i feel really uncomfortable right now!  
>EB: more uncomfortable than that time we walked in on your brother watching puppet videos!<br>TG: man  
>TG: thats pretty uncomfortable<br>TG: so whats got your panties all up in a bunch?  
>EB: karkat just sent me a really weird e-mail and i'm not sure what to do! i mean it's not something two platonic buddies send each other and i feel really weird and should i reply or not? i mean i don't want to hurt his feelings!<br>TG: whoa egderp calm down. unwind those bunched panties and explain.  
>EB: i mean, dave, he says some really weird things!<br>EB: copy and paste!  
>EB: "I WANT TO GRAB YOUR SMOOSHY PINK FACE AND KISS YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHEEKS SO HARD BITE MARKS ARE LEFT BEHIND. I WANT TO SERENADE YOU AND SING YOU SAPPY LOVE SONGS SO THAT THE EXTENT OF MY FEELINGS CAN BE DISPLAYED. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND COMFORT YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO MAKE YOU SO DEPENDENT ON ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING UNLESS I'M BY YOUR SIDE. I WANT TO FLIP YOU OVER AND"<br>EB: dave i can't finish this oh my god  
>EB: dave i am freaking out karkat wants to do homosexual things to me what should i do?<br>TG: hold up a second  
>TG: i think i know whats going on<br>EB: what?

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

EB: dave? dave wait!  
>EB: don't leave me alone with this thing!<p>

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

TG: sup vriska  
>AG: Well well well if it isn't coolkid Dave Strider<br>AG: And to what do I owe this pleasure?  
>TG: i know karkat has homo feelings for my lil egderp but hed never send an email explaining them<br>TG: egbert is too slow for his own good and youve successfully freaked him the fuck out  
>TG: and dont even try to convince me karkat sent that shittastic email cause im positive it was you who sent that porn in a computer<br>TG: fess up spiderbitch  
>AG: What ever are you talking a8out?<br>AG: I am extremely offended that you would even think such a thing, Strider!  
>TG: listen im not planning on flipping my shit i just need you to tell me why the fuck youd send nohomo Egbert such a sappy and fuckin sick message<br>TG: i mean is that how you really feel for our little derp?  
>TG: you just want to hide behind karkat so you can express your creepy obsession<br>TG: how fucking adorable  
>AG: Screw you Strider!<br>AG: I was just helping a friend out!  
>AG: Karkat is way too shy to admit he likes your "little derp" so I helped him out.<br>AG: I thought it was 8eautiful poetry!  
>TG: hes probably having a heart attack<br>TG: and doing that nope thing he does when hes flipping his shit  
>TG: thanks spiderbitch now i have to calm him the fuck down<br>AG: Just don't tell him I wrote that.  
>AG: Karkat gets all the credit. ::::)<p>

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

EB: oh thank god  
>EB: dave i thought you left me!<br>TG: no man just checking something out  
>TG: have you replied to the mail yet?<br>EB: of course not!  
>EB: i've just been staring at it for the past five minutes wondering when a flying pig is going to crash through my window!<br>EB: i mean karkat uses some really vulgar language and some creative wording. it would be kind of romantic if i wasn't freaking out!  
>TG: wow dude gay<br>EB: what? no!  
>EB: dave i am not a homosexual!<br>EB: can't a heterosexual guy admire some creative poetry?  
>TG: nope<br>EB: daaaaave!  
>TG: listen dude chill out<br>TG: i swear if you keep flipping out youre going to burst a blood vessel and bleed all over the fucking keyboard  
>EB: ew dave that's gross!<br>TG: whats gross is that it wasnt even karkat who wrote that message  
>EB: how is that gross? wait, he didn't!<br>TG: nope spiderbitch did  
>EB: spiderbitch?<br>TG: you know. that shitfaces friend  
>EB: who?<br>TG: the one who wears blue lipstick like shes some shitty second lady gaga  
>TG: and she never combs her hair<br>EB: uh…  
>TG: Vriska dumbass<br>EB: oh!  
>EB: she sits next to me in biology!<br>EB: she wrote that?  
>TG: apparently she was helping karkat out<br>TG: to express his gay for you  
>TG: fuckin about to pee out rainbows containing all the gay he has for you<br>EB: ugh dave!  
>EB: so he didn't write that! what a relief! that could have ended awkwardly!<br>TG: you are such a moron sometimes i wonder how you even passed the fourth grade  
>TG: dude he is so gay for you<br>TG: so gay his tears are made of sperm  
>EB: dave that's so gross!<br>TG: do you get my point Egbert?  
>EB: uh…yes?<br>TG: really  
>EB: ….no<br>TG: he wants to stick his discostick in your butt Egbert  
>TG: or he wants your discostick in his butt i dunno what the hell that gaywad prefers<br>TG: point is he wants your body egbert he wants you so bad he was desperate enough to go to spiderbitch of all people for advice  
>TG: think about that<p>

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] -**

EB: not again!  
>EB: daaaaave come back!<br>EB: i don't understand!

** John: be a confused derp**

Okay, so you admitted you weren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but what you lacked in grades you made up for in pranking gambit! Sure, you were doing pretty poorly in math and English but Rose and Jade have been helping you with that. Besides, you were only in your second year of high school and it wasn't like you were planning to be a scientist or an accountant so you didn't see the point in becoming a math whiz. And after all that is said and done you are and always will be the pranking master. That made up for the lack of A's you bring home. Besides, your dad always gives you his "I'm proud of how hard you try son!" speeches that don't motivate you as much as they're supposed to.

So, yes, you weren't a genius like Rose or a hard worker like Jade, but you _knew_ the cryptic words from Dave had to be some sort of code. You just refused to believe that it was possible Karkat, who always yelled at you and called you an idiot and used the word "fuck" way too often, would actually send you a sappy and incredibly explicit e-mail message expressing his desire to dominate you and do naughty things. Augh, did you just use the word "naughty"? The traumatizing message was already affecting you.

You just couldn't grasp why Karkat would feel this way but you had to admit it also didn't make much sense for Vrsika to type all that using Karkat's e-mail. Unless she had hacking skills or had his password, wouldn't Karkat have to be present for her to send a message on his account? Even you, labeled as the slowest high schooler in existence of high schoolers, was grounded enough to acknowledge common sense. But what is Vriska _did_ have access and sent it as a prank? Oh, jeez, if she did that you wouldn't even be able to get angry! That's the best prank ever!

But you wanted to be sure. What if you sent a reply and rejected Karkat and it turned out he didn't know the message even existed? What if he broke off your friendship or got mad or got grossed out or - ?

This was worse than freaking out over the actual e-mail.

Karkat wasn't online, to your disappointment, and Dave wasn't answering your messages so you closed your computer and flopped onto your bed in an extremely eloquent manner. Pressing your face against your pillow to a point of being unable to breathe, you all but begin to whine into the fabric as if it might make all your troubles go away.

But…nope. Still there. Still squirming beneath your skin, flittering around your head, poking your very essence and biting your heels (in a manner of speaking) and pretty much driving you insane. So, with a frustrated "auuuugh!" you jump off the bed, throwing your Nic Cage pillow in the process, and returned to your computer hoping it would provide some kind of comfort. Maybe someone more objective would be on - like Jade or Rose!

To your relief Jade was indeed online and you instantly began to pester her in hopes she may help convince you that Karkat did not have a homocrush on you and Dave was just messing with you and Vriska just rivaled your pranking skills. Here we go.

**- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -**

EB: jade!  
>GG: john!<br>GG: hehehe :)  
>EB: jade did you talk to dave?<br>GG: yeah! he was laying down some rhymes for me!  
>GG: it was pretty fun!<br>EB: oh so he didn't say anything  
>EB: that's actually a good thing i guess<br>GG: what?  
>EB: jade i need you to be honest with me ok?<br>GG: of course! what's wrong?  
>EB: is Karkat<br>EB: uh  
>GG: john? is Karkat what?<br>GG: hey are you ok!  
>EB: sorry this is just a lot harder to ask than i thought it would be<br>EB: ok so  
>EB: jade<br>GG: hehe yes john? :)  
>EB: dave seems to think karkat likes me<br>EB: you know. not platonically.  
>GG: oh.<br>EB: yeah. and he refuses to listen to me when i tell him that's not true, we're just friends, and neither of us hold homosexual feelings.  
>EB: but then he went all mysterious on me and went 'think about it' and now he won't answer my messages!<br>EB: i'm just very confused right now. and a bit angry!  
>GG: oh…<br>GG: well john, you want me to be honest with you right?  
>EB: yeah<br>GG: then i will.  
>GG: dave is right!<br>GG: i mean everyone can tell karkat has a humongous crush on you!  
>GG: he likes to yell at people but you're the only person he actually looks for and hangs out with outside of class.<br>GG: not to mention stares at you ALL THE TIME and gets all angry if someone points it out.  
>GG: "why the hell would i be looking at that ugly dumbass?" and then he'd be all blushing and embarrassed! it's so cute!<br>GG: i'm surprised you didn't notice! he's way obvious about it! even his friends have consulted Dave, Rose and me about it.  
>GG: john? are you ok?<br>GG: oh man i'm sorry did i say too much?  
>GG: john?<br>EB: uh wow  
>EB: okay so everyone but me knew this?<br>GG: pretty much  
>GG: sorry! :(<br>EB: why didn't anyone tell me?  
>EB: i mean this is a big thing!<br>EB: if someone knows a bro likes another bro they should tell that bro!  
>EB: uh you know what i mean<br>GG: john i really am sorry! :(  
>GG: i didn't think you would get so upset about it!<br>GG: why don't you talk to Karkat?  
>EB: i would but he's not online<br>GG: i'm sure a face-to-face confrontation might work out better! and if you need advice Dave, Rose and me are here for you!  
>EB: but talking over Pesterchum is easier!<br>EB: it's less awkward  
>GG: john let's face it this conversation is going to be awkward either way<br>GG: XD  
>EB: i guess you're right<br>EB: i'll talk to him on Monday i guess  
>EB: augh i can already feel the awkward beginning to build<br>GG: john!  
>EB: what?<br>GG: don't wait until Monday! come on! :( this is serious! the sooner the better!  
>EB: but jaaaade<br>EB: why does it have to be now? can't i take the weekend to prepare?  
>GG: john!<br>EB: okay okay  
>EB: i'll invite him to hang out and talk then<br>EB: ugh girls  
>GG: hehehee :)<br>GG: you're welcome.  
>GG: now go get 'em tigerrrr! ;)<br>EB: you say it like i'm about to confess my undying love or something  
>GG: who knows? maybe that is the case<br>GG: sometimes with you things have to be thrown in your face or you'll never notice  
>GG: definitely when it comes to your own feelings!<br>EB: what  
>EB: jade are you suggesting i have homosexual feelings for karkat?<br>EB: jade no  
>EB: that is so wrong its not even funny<br>GG: i'm not trying to be funny! it's just an observation  
>GG: good luck john!<br>GG: remember, i'll be online if you need me  
>GG: so will Rose and Dave! so don't hold back.<br>GG: byyyyyye!  
>EB: yeah bye<p>

**- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -**

GG: oh and if you finally admit your feelings and come out of the closet, make sure to give me the details!  
>GG: you know i like my dramas<br>GG: definitely when it involves two men in a torrid love affair  
>GG: hehehehe<br>GG: :)

** John: be a brave hero**

You knew this was a life and death predicament; choose life and call up Karkat to invite him over have a potentially awkward conversation by accusing him to admit he has the hots for you, or choose death and ignore it and let it affect your friendship. Well, you weren't sure if that was right - maybe it was the other way around and life was choosing to ignore it and go on as normal. Death would be calling Karkat over to talk about your feelings and probably offend him or disgust him by even suggesting he has feelings for you. Then you'd end up in a horrible ex-best friends situation and you didn't want that because you really liked Karkat! And okay, so maybe he did like to snap about how he hated you, but that never bothered you. You guys still hung out all the time together and Karkat let you see glimpses of his humanity, that he did care for you, and that was enough to satisfy you.

You knew you had to choose the "call Karkat" option or else Rose and jade (and Dave too, probably) would never let you hear the end of it. So with a breath you dialed his number, secretly hoping he wouldn't pick up and gosh would that save you the trouble! You felt your palms become sweaty and you nearly dropped the phone as it rang shrilly in your ear. Gooooosh you were so nervous! You knew you shouldn't be but you were.

You squealed when you heard a distinct click noise followed by Karkat's grumpy voice; "The fuck do you want?"

Your throat seemed to swell up and gosh you were terrified. What do you say? Oh, right, you weren't doing this over the phone. Calm down Egbert. Just invite him over or something; eat some pizza, watch Nic Cage, play board games like you always did together. _It's not that hard! You do this all the time!_

"Hi," is all you get out and you want to hit yourself.

"Oh well if it isn't Egbert taking the time out of touching himself to call little old Karkat. How do you do, fuckass? Are your hands sticky from all the self-promotion you've been doing holed up in your disgusting little room? What the hell do you want?"

Wow, okay, so you seemed to forget something important about Karkat; he talked a lot. Though talking wasn't the right word…more like he went on detailed ranting insults including vulgar language and angry hissing noises where a simple breath should be. You were used to it but right now, you didn't think you could deal with it.

"Uh, wanna come over for a sleepover?" you asked in the best chipper voice you could manage.

"A sleepover? What the fuck are we, eleven year olds? Oh yeah, I'd love to come over and spend the night in your creepy-as-fuck house and sleep on your shitty hard floor in one of your Power Rangers sleeping bags as we watch shitty movies and eat burned popcorn and talk about girls! Oh, and we just _have_ to paint each other's nails and do our hair and gossip about our friends and what they've been up to in their private life because it is _so totally _our business!"

Augh. Okay. Wow, Karkat.

"Uh…" you said, unsure of how to reply. You freak out for a moment, a timid sort of emotion rolling around in your stomach and flopping lifelessly in your brain. You had to say something fast or Katkat would get irritated and hang up on you then you'd have to go through this again and -

THIS IS STUPID.

** John: man the fuck up and lay down the law**

"Just for one minute will you stop spouting off how disgusted you are with me and just give me a yes or no answer?" you snapped, a bit startled at your own words and stern tone. You blinked for a moment, as if dazed at your own seriousness, then shook it off to turn your attention to Karkat. He hadn't replied yet, a short bout of silence delaying his reply.

"Fine," he finally said in a weird growl-hiss noise. "I'll come over and sleep on your shitty hard floor in your stupid Power Ranger sleeping bag. Happy?"

"Very," you said with a satisfied nod, though you knew Karkat couldn't see it. "Come over as soon as you can. Bye."

"Wha - " Before Karkat could finish his enraged sentence (probably to go off on you about ordering him around) you hung up and put your phone down, staring at your computer as if contemplating getting on one more time. But nope, you had to prepare for Karkat's arrival.

You had to put the furniture away in case things got violent.

…well, in case _Karkat_ got violent.


	2. Vriska: be the conniving spiderbitch

INTERMISSION

* * *

><p><strong> Vriska: be the understanding friend<strong>

Your name is Vriska Serket and you are the best friend in the whole fucking world.

You'd been buddies with a certain Karkat Vantas since you two fuckers were in diapers. You loved messing with him because he always had the funniest freakouts, but in the end you did care for the shitface, so you decided to do him a favor. The idea came to you during a conversation with said shitface as you two lounged around your living room, all unguarded and bored as hell. The TV blared some stupid commercial as you admired your green fingernails, the nail polish having been a gift from Aradia after you two made up for an incident in middle school involving exploding shampoo bottles and some trips to the hospital. You swore sometimes you were too much of a genius for your own good.

Karkat was curled on the other side of your couch glaring at the TV as if the commercial had done something to deserve Vantas deep-settled hatred and you took the time and effort to tear your gaze away from your nails to eye him. He wore his usual black shirt - the same he had since middle school. The same shirt that still had that small tear on it from the time when you asked him out on a fake-date that resulted in him getting a black eye, you getting arrested for aggravated assault (it wasn't even on Karkat, but the waiter who dared to actually call you "toots" and brush his hand on your lap and augh, gross) - let's just say you never got a romance going with your good buddy Vantas and that was fine with you. You had only wanted to date him back then to piss Terezi off, who had a thing for Karkat and you didn't like Terezi so there you go.

Now you guys were just friends. Karkat and you got along pretty well since you died down on causing havoc with him, mostly because you liked selecting specific targets and ruining one life at a time. Your current target was a certain Tavros Nitram; a cute nervous little guy so innocent and adorable you just _had_ to fuck him up. You admittedly had a crush on the guy - who wouldn't? - and decided to mess him up as a show of affection and all-around bitchery. His bodyguard Gamzee what's-his-face kept interfering but you didn't give a shit about that. Tavros thought you were hot shit and didn't mind following your orders, so you used that to your full advantage. But, anyway, you had to stop mulling over Tavros' adorableness, Gamzee's obnoxious…ness, and your all-around splendidly dark memories.

Karkat looked frustrated.

Well, he always looked frustrated, but hey, you were a good observer and you noticed shit. Karkat's grey eyes that always seemed to have shadows and bags under them seemed even darker than usual. His pale skin seemed paler, if that was even possible, and his messy black hair looked more unhygienic than usual - hell you swore you saw something stuck in the tufts that resembled cobwebs…or probably just dust from his shitty house (a lack of a mother and a lazy deadbeat dad meant little to now housework around the home, you noticed that a long time ago). Either way he looked like shit and his expression said it all. TEENAGE ANGST ALL AROUND. You nearly burst out laughing because that _so totally_ fit Karkat! He was a big, brooding ball of angst.

Still, you decided to be a good friend and asked him what was stuck up his depressed little ass. "Yo Karkles," you crooned in a disgustingly sweet voice, "What's got you all droopy and depressed? Did your dad finally leave your sorry ass to pursue his deep dark passion of exotic dancing?"

He looked up to glare at you, a scowl etched across his lips. Gosh, his angry expressions were adoooooooorable! You grinned, or more like sneered - you couldn't help it, you were raised to be bad and you had a difficult time being compassionate - and Karkat seemed to narrow his eyebrows further.

"No," he finally hissed. "Leave me alone."

"No can do, Kaaaaaaaarkat," you sang gleefully, scooting across the couch at an impressive speed to drape yourself against the little ball of angry. "Tell big sister Vriska what's bothering you!"

"I can't believe you just referred to yourself as big sister Vriska. This isn't some shitty MTV mini-series, get your fatass off of me before I flip my shit and tear your good eye out," he barked, all but shoving you off of him. You scoot back slightly to let out a cackle, flipping your thick black hair as if to mock him for being so mean only to receive cool amusement in return. How cute, he thought you being blind in one eye would bother you! He thought you had a weakness he could prod at! But noooooooo~ you were perfectly fine with your _disability_ after Aradia got even for the shampoo incident by sending you an exploding envelope that damaged your retina and wa-la, "Spiderbitch Vrsika" wore an eye-patch. Well, okay, so you had the option of getting a glass eye or just leaving it white so you could freak children out (which you still did by suddenly flipping off your eye-patch and laughing as they ran off crying) but an eye-patch seemed the better option. It made you look as badass as you were.

But you never felt self-conscious about it.

So you continued to grin slyly at him until your prodding eye made him crumble. One talent you took pride in had to be your ability to break down every defense by just _staring intently with the heat of a thousand burning suns_ at a person. It never failed you. Every single time they let themselves go in defeat, allowing you access to every little vulnerability and detail.

Karkat was no different.

"Just - fuck," he said in a voice that made it obvious you won and he was about to let his dam break to let out his shit storm of angst. Delightful! "John. John fucking Egbert, that little fuck!"

You giggled but the sound didn't deter him.

"I hate him so much that I physically _cringe_ at the mention of him. Every time that fucker calls my name with those bright happy eyes and that moronic smile of his and runs at me like some devoted puppy, I want to grab his face and just _throw him on the ground_."

"You're wallowing in your hatred, then?" you purred, leaning closer to get a better angle. He was scowling, eyes alight with frustrated anger as he glared heatedly at the TV. You noticed his canines were exceptionally sharp and pointy and resisted the urge to poke them to see if they'd draw blood. Gosh, Karkat was really like an angry hissing cat!

"Yes," he glowered. "I hate him so much. I hate the way he makes me feel. Like…augh, FUCK!" he bellowed, obviously frustrated that he couldn't find the right words to describe his feelings. "I feel so fucking happy when I'm around him! Like…fuck, I want to smile and I don't fucking smile! I don't care if he makes me watch Con Air for the thousandth time or if he rants about how awesome Nic Cage is, as long as he'll rant and watch _with me_. I have to physically restrain myself from pushing him down and kissing him until he can't laugh that obnoxiously adorable dopy laugh or call my name with that _fucking voice of his_ - "

You watch as he began to shake, clawing at his hair so roughly in anger that you swear you saw black strands float off. Aw, Karkitty was shedding! You resist the urge to giggle because this is a serious conversation and you had to be a good friend here and shut the fuck up and listen. Besides, this was amusing, seeing him get all mushy on you - well, as mushy as Karkat Vantas could possibly get. Besides, you knew John Egbert…not personally, but you knew who he was. You had biology together and he was pretty adorable, you had to admit, but he was so obsessed with pranking and he was always flanked by coolkid Strider and Child Genius Lalonde (that Harley girl wasn't intimidating so you didn't bother worrying about her - that chick was just freaky, she always went around predicting the future and blurting out random readings to people and freaking them the hell out). So you never really bothered him, though you did find amusement in witnessing some of his pranks. Some were good, some shitty but entertaining to watch.

You knew John Egbert was a good friend of Karkat's and the shitface talked about him _all the time_. You remembered John was a pretty derpy-looking kid, a nerd in a cute kind of way. He had these big beautiful blue eyes that Terezi constantly talked about wanting to lick, though they were hidden behind dorky square frames so their brilliance was rarely seen. His hair was messy and thick and black, his skin smooth and peachy like a baby's bottom, and he wore boring, simple clothes. Your inner fashion enthusiast burned with the desire to dress the kid up just _remembering_ the clothes he wore. Augh.

You saw the way Karkat looked talking about him and the way he just totally confessed with love for the guy. So you tried to be a good friend _again_ and put on your "I am listening very closely and contemplating how, as your friend, I shall help you next" look. You thought it was a good look. "So you're basically in love with the guy and you're soooooooo pissed off that you're such an emotionally challenged fucker that you're frustrated and decided to wallow in self-pity," you summarized. Karkat glared at you but didn't reply so you took this as confirmation. "Hmm hmm hmmm, makes sense!"

"Shut up."

"Well!" you cackled. "Karkat, since I care about you and your happiness, I've decided to help you out. Trust me, I'm an experienced seducer. I can bag Egbert for you like that," you bragged, snapping your fingers to emphasis how fast you are at the art of seduction. "I'm like an arachnid; I snatch my victims in my web and eat them alive."

Karkat looked thoroughly repulsed by this and you let out another infamous Vriska laugh. "Come with me! I know how to bag someone as innocent and moronic as John Egbert!" You didn't wait for his reply before you grabbed his arm and tugged him off the couch, ignoring his growls of protest as you dragged him down the hall to your room. You kick the door open dramatically, walking past your glass aquarium of spiders ("Hello babiiiiiiiies," you made sure to croon as you passed) and to your desk. You released your death grip and kicked back the chair, forcing him to sit down and face your computer.

You wiggled the mouse and grinned when Karkat jumped at your wallpaper; a large spider eating a dead bird as it dangled from a tree branch.

"The fuck?" he ground out. "What the fuck is up with you and spiders?"

"They're cool," you replied vaguely as you moved your mouse to the Microsoft Word icon. "The badass part is that picture isn't photoshopped or anything; it happened in some Australian garden or some shit like that. Pretty awesome, right?" Grinning, you click the giant blue "W" and watched as a fresh white document unfolded before you.

"Now," you said in a sly voice, "time to write a love letter."

"What?" Karkat asked dumbly, blankly staring at the computer screen.

You rolled your eyes. "_God_ Karkat, you're soooooooo slow sometimes! We're going to write a love letter for your stupid little homocrush, duh! He seems like the type who goes for romantic letters! Come on, pour your heart out."

You pulled back and gripped the back of the computer chair, waiting. Karkat sat still with that emotionless mask before a growl crossed his face. "Fuck no!" he yelped out angrily. "I'm not - Vriska, I - NO! THIS IS STUPID!"

You scoffed. "With an attitude like that it's no wonder John hasn't come crawling to you begging for you to make sweet love to him!"

Karkat had the decency to blush. "What the hell!"

"Think about it," you cooed, poking your cute little blushing scowling shitface on the cheek. "John Egbert, his stupid dopy face all flushed with desire as he grasps your shirt pleadingly. 'Karkat!' he'd whine with a voice underlined with moans and desire, 'please, I'm begging you! I read your letter and I'm so hoooooooot right now! I need your big, pulsing cock in my - "

Karkat flailed and you jumped back with a bark of laughter. He was red in the face and you had never seen the shitface so damned flustered before. He clawed at the air and once he was sure you were gone he spun around to glare at you.

"I can't believe I confided in you! What the fuck was I thinking?"

You shrugged. "Don't ask me."

He began shouting curses and stormed out of your room and somewhere in his vulgarity you heard "I'm going home!" so you didn't bother following him. You leaned against your doorframe and grinned impishly when you heard the front door slam shut. With a mischievous giggle you rushed back to your computer and flopped into your seat, deciding to take matters into your own hands.

** Vriska: be the conniving spiderbitch**

You were thankful that you had coaxed Karkat's e-mail information out of Sollux, who had helped him set it up before Karkat got into coding and computer shit (even though he sucked at it). It didn't take much to get the password; all you had to do was give him those secret pictures of Aradia you promised (thank you make-up-girly-sleepovers and secret-hidden-cameras not to mention your awesome ninja skills) and bam. He sold out his best friend. Awesome. Boys were _so_ easy to manipulate.

You had taken it upon yourself to memorize the details, not that it was hard since Karkat was so adorably stupid about this shit. With a smirk you pulled up the internet browser and logged in as Karkat; carcinoGenetisist (duhhhhhhhh) with his predicable password "FUCKING STUPID PASSWORD". Really, how adorably moronic could your little shitface get? Stifling evil giggles you composed a new message and returned to your document - you wouldn't want any spelling errors, would you?

TO: ectoBiologist

CC: carcinoGenetisist

SUBJECT: dear john

I KNOW THIS IS SUDDEN BUT SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME. I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME EVER SINCE…WELL, FUCK, THAT DOESN'T MATTER, IT ONLY MATTERS THAT I FEEL THIS WAY AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU BEFORE IT EATS ME ALIVE.

JOHN EGBERT, I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I FIND MYSELF BREATHLESS WHEN I STARE INTO YOUR BRILLIANT BRIGHT BLUE EYES. THEY'RE LIKE TWO POOLS OF CRYSTAL GLASS, OF CLEAR OCEAN, THE BLUEST OF ALL BLUES AND I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO STARE IN THEM FOR ETERNITY. GOD. I WANT TO GRAB YOUR SMOOSHY PINK FACE AND KISS YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR CHEEKS SO HARD BITE MARKS ARE LEFT BEHIND. I WANT TO SERENADE YOU AND SING YOU SAPPY LOVE SONGS SO THAT THE EXTENT OF MY FEELINGS CAN BE DISPLAYED. I WANT TO HURT YOU AND COMFORT YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I WANT TO MAKE YOU SO DEPENDENT ON ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING UNLESS I'M BY YOUR SIDE. I WANT TO FLIP YOU OVER AND WORK MY WAY INSIDE OF YOU. I WANT TO FUCK YOU DRY, MAKE YOU SCREAM MY NAME, MAKE YOU FLY ON FUCKING CLOUD NINE. I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU…GOD, I WANT TO HOLD YOU AND LICK YOU AND EXPLORE EVERY PART OF YOU AND FUCK FUCK FUCK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO SAY. THAT'S ALL I WANT TO SAY.

- KARKAT VANTAS WHAT THE FUCK YOU KNOW WHO I AM.

You leaned back and admired your completed letter; you felt pretty damn proud of yourself. It sounded just like Karkat! It _totally_ sounded like him! You began to snicker as you pressed the 'SEND' button, a self-satisfied snort escaping your nose in utter amusement as you closed the browser and gave yourself a mental pat on the back. You're such a good friend! An excellent friend, an amazing friend, a fabulous friend, the best friend of all friends, everyone _wished_ they had a friend like you! This letter was so amazing and John would have to be an asexual idiot not to swoon over your beautiful poetry.

Smirking, you signed onto Pesterchum to see if Karkat was online so you could tell him what a big favor you just did for him. Sadly he wasn't online. You ignored the others because you could care less about them but sneered when you saw Dave coolkid Strider was online. He was the most fun to mess with mostly because he was a challenge. He had this thing about keeping his cool - he even did it in real life! Hilarious! Impressive, really, and you admired the fucker for that.

You ignored him for now and went online to waste time reading shitty fanfictions but not even ten minutes later you got a message. Eyebrow rising you saw it was from none other than Dave Strider. Grinning ear to ear you opened Pesterchum with an amused giggle; this should be fun.

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

TG: sup vriska  
>AG: Well well well if it isn't coolkid Dave Strider<br>AG: And to what do I owe this pleasure?  
>TG: i know karkat has homo feelings for my lil egderp but hed never send an email explaining them<br>TG: egbert is too slow for his own good and youve successfully freaked him the fuck out  
>TG: and dont even try to convince me karkat sent that shittastic email cause im positive it was you who sent that porn in a computer<br>TG: fess up spiderbitch  
>AG: What ever are you talking a8out?<br>AG: I am extremely offended that you would even think such a thing, Strider!  
>TG: listen im not planning on flipping my shit i just need you to tell me why the fuck youd send nohomo Egbert such a sappy and fuckin sick message<br>TG: i mean is that how you really feel for our little derp?  
>TG: you just want to hide behind karkat so you can express your creepy obsession TG: how fucking adorable<br>AG: Screw you Strider!  
>AG: I was just helping a friend out!<br>AG: Karkat is way too shy to admit he likes your "little derp" so I helped him out.  
>AG: I thought it was 8eautiful poetry!<br>TG: hes probably having a heart attack  
>TG: and doing that nope thing he does when hes flipping his shit<br>TG: thanks spiderbitch now i have to calm him the fuck down  
>AG: Just don't tell him I wrote that.<br>AG: Karkat gets all the credit. ::::)

**- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

You frowned. No fun, no fun, no fuuuuuuuun! How _dare_ Dave Strider shake the truth out of you! Now he'd definitely tell John about the true author of that beautiful letter. That's what "bros" did, right? Sighing in annoyance you pouted as you kick your feet in frustration, huffing and puffing like the goddamn big bad wolf. Well, at least John was freaking out. That was a definite plus. Hopefully this would at least bring little Karkat's feelings to that idiot's attention.

God, you were such an awesome friend.

Another eight minutes or so passed and you saw Karkat sign on. Grinning from ear to ear you sent him a brief message to make your awesome friendship known before you signed off feeling incredibly good about yourself.

**- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -**

AG: Karkat Karkat Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat  
>CG: WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU WANT?<br>AG: I have some exciting news for yoooooooou!  
>AG: You shouldn't have left like that, you missed witnessing my creative juices as they spilled all over the screen like an artist at work!<br>CG: VRISKA I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T GET TO THE POINT I WILL LEAVE MY HOUSE AND WALK RIGHT BACK TO YOURS EVEN IF MY FEET START TO FUCKING FALL OFF JUST SO I CAN SMACK YOU IN YOUR UGLY FUCKING FACE.  
>AG: Okay, okay, gosh!<br>AG: Calm your tits  
>AG: I just wanted to inform you that I took it upon myself to write and send your love letter.<br>AG: Don't worry, I made sure to include everything from your eternal love to your raging lust for mister John Eg8ert!  
>AG: You're welcome 8est friiiiiiiiend<p>

**- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -**

CG: WAIT  
>CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK<p> 


	3. Karkat: flip all your shit

**NOTES:** i'd like to state for the record that i am terrible at writing karkat. sorry. :I

* * *

><p><strong>Karkat: flip all your shit<strong>

Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are currently gawking at your computer screen in horror. Only moments after agreeing to attend a ridiculously childish sleepover at John's house - _YOUR GODDAMN CRUSH _- you logged onto Pesterchum to talk to Vriska (mostly make sure she dropped the ridiculous idea of "helping" you seduce Egbert). You weren't surprised to discover that she was indeed online but you _were_ stunned at the conversation.

**- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -**

AG: Karkat Karkat Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat  
>CG: WHAT IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU WANT?<br>AG: I have some exciting news for yoooooooou!  
>AG: You shouldn't have left like that, you missed witnessing my creative juices as they spilled all over the screen like an artist at work!<br>CG: VRISKA I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DON'T GET TO THE POINT I WILL LEAVE MY HOUSE AND WALK RIGHT BACK TO YOURS EVEN IF MY FEET START TO FUCKING FALL OFF JUST SO I CAN SMACK YOU IN YOUR UGLY FUCKING FACE.  
>AG: Okay, okay, gosh!<br>AG: Calm your tits  
>AG: I just wanted to inform you that I took it upon myself to write and send your love letter.<br>AG: Don't worry, I made sure to include everything from your eternal love to your raging lust for mister John Eg8ert!  
>AG: You're welcome 8est friiiiiiiiend<p>

**- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -**

CG: WAIT  
>CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK<p>

Cursing you logged off, practically banging the keyboard as you angrily moved around. Fuck. Knowing Vriska whatever she typed it had to be fucking disgusting and dramatic and OH GOD DID JOHN SEE THE E-MAIL WHEN HE CALLED YOU? What if he had those horrifying words (whatever they were but you know they had to be horrifying) floating around when he was talking to you? _Oh god oh god oh god oh god VRISKA WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?_

You wanted to back down, call John and cancel, but you'd be damned if you didn't man up and keep your promise. Besides, it might be a better idea if you cleared the air ahead of time by explaining that it was Vriska who typed that e-mail and not you instead of chickening out like some pathetic teenage girl. So you sucked it the fuck up and stormed around shoving things into your gym bag as you unconsciously grumbled curses under your breath. Fine, screw this screw it all, you'd just go over there right fucking now and face this like a man.

You'd chew Vriska out later.

Thankfully you and John lived pretty close - not across the street like Vriska but a few neighborhoods over - so you wouldn't have time to really think about it and decide to back out on the drive there. You grabbed the spare keys and stalked past your dad, who lay sprawled snoring on the couch like the deadweight he was. You tossed your bag into the passenger's seat and started the truck's engine, still muttering as your nerves began to settle in.

Fuck Vriska fuck that bitch to hell aaaaaugh -

Your only thoughts consisted of different ways to murder Vriska Serket so by the time you parked on Egbert's curb the situation didn't have much time to really settle in. If it had you might have ended up stalling or _something_ but instead you marched right up to the front door like a fearless motherfucker.

You knocked.

You waited.

You _flipped your shit_.

Mentally. You were too fucking classy to start shouting and running away like a psycho. Your eye twitched as you realized the weight of what was happening - John got a mail he thought was from you basically confessing your "love and lust" for him and here you were at his house for a sleepover. As if sleepovers at John Egbert's house weren't painful enough as it was. God, the kid was an oblivious idiot. It felt like he taunted you, strutting around doing shit no man would do if he knew his "best bro" had romantic inclinations for him. Fuck. Shit. Fuck fuck fuck -

"Karkat!" John flung the door open with that dopy grin of his. "That was fast!"

"Of course it was fucking fast I live five minutes away and you told me get here as soon as I can," you snapped before striding into his house, gym bag flung over your shoulder. Without asking you headed for John's room before you tossed your bag onto his bed.

John rushed in behind you. "S-So! What should we do first?"

You turned to give him a "are you fucking shitting me?" look. "Oh wow, I am fucking _floored_ at your host skills Egbert. I feel like FUCKING royalty."

John visibly grimaced. "Ehehe, right, sorry. How about a movie?"

Your eyebrows furrowed. Did this guy even read Vriska's message or was he just playing dumb? Wait, no, one John Egbert did not _play_ dumb he _is the fucking essence of dumb._ He probably forgot about it or some shit because knowing him, he wouldn't be acting all merry and chipper like this, you know that much. But you would prefer prolonging that disastrous conversation and decided to play dumb too and flopped onto the floor, back landing against the bed. "Fine. But I swear to GOD Egbert if you put Con Air in I'm going to knock those stupid buck teeth right out of your mouth."

John just laughed but the nervous edge to it didn't go unnoticed. You shifted awkwardly as he rushed around and popped a movie in before he jumped onto his bed, legs hanging off the side and bumping against your arm every now and then. You edged away just the slightest, pulling your knees to your chest as you waited for the movie to start.

A few minutes of previews later (John laughed an apology about how he lost his remote and the buttons were messed up so he couldn't fast forward or some shit like that) and the movie title screen popped up.

"Of fucking COURSE it's a Nic Cage movie," you groaned out loud and ignored John's laugh.

"C'mon Karkat it's Ghost Rider!" John said with that annoying grin of his. "You like exploding things and fire, right? There's tons of those in this movie, honest!"

You ignored him, scowling as the movie started. You hated Nic Cage but not because John's constant praise made him seem like an obnoxious jerk, and not because you hated his acting (though you admitted he's a FUCKING HORRIBLE actor) but mainly because John had a legitimate boycrush on the guy. You'd never admit it but the way he fawns over the douche like a lovesick teenage girl pissed you off to no ends and, yes, you were a sappy moronic FUCKER who actually felt jealous. But you'd rather die a horrible, slow, painful death before you uttered the humiliating truth out loud.

You kept an unspoken vow to keep your mouth shut but you barely paid attention to the movie. Instead you began to mentally flip your shit yet _again_ as you tried to decide how to approach the subject. By the time the movie credits began to roll, however, you had already decided you wouldn't say anything about it unless John brought it up first.

"So? Awesome, right?" John asked eagerly as he jumped off the bed and put the DVD back in the box. "Wanna watch another?"

You shrugged. Shitty movies were better than talking about feelings. Fuck feelings. ALL THE FUCKS.

"Awesome!"

And the rest of the day was pretty much just shitty movies, all of which contained Nic Cage. You wanted to complain but John had this grin throughout every movie that made it impossible for you to say something rude or assholeish and…pretty much all around Karkat-like. So you refused to speak at all and by the time you finished the third movie it was beginning to get dark outside. This, of course, didn't get past John.

"Oh, man, we spent the whole day watching movies!" John laughed, that anxious tremor returning. "Dad should be back pretty soon! Maybe we should order pizza?"

You shrugged again, a frown on your face. He beamed and urged you to follow him back downstairs into the kitchen, where he happily pulled the phone and ordered a large cheese pizza - the usual, since you had a tendency to go off about toppings and you didn't even want to get into that right now you were too busy flipping your shit. He hung up and smiled again, and GOOD FUCKING GOD that idiot smiled a lot. It was unnerving. And…a little bit adorable.

Fuck. _Stop thinking about it STOP THINKING ABOUT IT._

**Karkat: flip all your shit AGAIN**

"So until dinner gets here want to - "

"HOLY SHIT EGBERT!" you finally exploded, all your silence and mental shit flipping finally breaking you down. John jumped with a squeak, eyes wide as you turned to glower at him. "Can we stop with the fucking awkward foreplay already? I feel like you're dancing around a huge-ass pile of eggshells trying to avoid saying anything and FUCK THIS ALREADY! We're going to just lay down our shit on the table right now before I go insane and start throwing some fuckery down."

John just gaped at you, a stunned look on his face.

"I KNOW about the e-mail and I have no fucking idea what's on it - and hell if I _want_ to know - but it wasn't me who wrote it, it was Vriska, so stop acting like a virgin protecting her chastity! If you have something to say just SAY IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

You took a breath, satisfied. Then satisfaction turned to embarrassment. Well, you really _did_ flip your shit. John looked stunned, eyes all wide and mouth opening and closing like some gasping fish or some shit like that. Finally he blinked a few times and shook his head with a noisy gulp.

"O-Oh!" was his genius reply. "Well, uh…wow, okay. Way to uh, get it out there!" He let out another awkward laugh and shifted nervously on his feet. "So you didn't write it?"

"FUCK NO."

"Oh, well that's good I guess…" he mumbled.

"The fuck do you mean 'I guess'?"

"UH!" he yelped, turning red, and your eyebrow rose. "W-Well I just meant, uhhh shit, well I mean…hey! My dad's calling!" He broke away nervously to answer his cell phone, red to the tip of his ears and _what if you just leaned forward a bit and bit the tip of that adorable tasty-looking ear, just fucking taste the blush that made his pretty pale skin so flushed and _-

FUCK FUCK FUCK NO. NO STOP. STOP.

"What!" John's high-pitched yelp pulled you back to reality. "What do you mean? A - ew, gross, dad! No, I….but…o-okay, fine! Gosh!" He hung up, frowning, then looked up and shifting anxiously when your gazes met. "Sorry Karkat! My dad just told me he won't be back until reeeeally late, like, I guess around one or two in the morning…something about a date with a 'pretty lady'."

He put the phone down and rubbed the back of his neck. "So…wanna play a game or something until the food gets here?"

You sighed. This guy… "Fine. Whatever."

"Cool!" Despite the fact you got the e-mail out of the way John was still acting all jittery and anxious and that pissed you off. But you didn't say anything about it and let him run around pulling out stupid board games babbling about dorky shit and FUCK you didn't even listen. You just sort of watched him wondering if this was a sign you should move on, because "I am not a homosexual John Egbert" was obviously so nervous at the mere idea of you sending him an e-mail confessing your love that even when he found out you didn't actually send it he _still_ acted like a bunny on crack. You had no chance with this kid, yet even thinking you needed to move on already, you knew that was impossible. John was already under your skin, the fucking cockroach - no amount of mental squashing or bug spray would kill the persistent kid.

Fuck you, Egbert.

**Karkat: skip to the future and be a jackass**

An empty pizza box sat opened on the kitchen table, plates scattered with crumbs resting lopsided in the sink as you and John sat huddled in a gay-as-fuck fort in the living room like two elementary school students. John had gleefully begun to build some stupid fort in the living room using blankets and furniture and you just watched, thinking about how ridiculous Egbert is but the over-the-moon happiness on his face was enough to keep you from voicing your opinion. Once he was done John dragged you into the fort then ran off to bring back shit like more board games and flashlights. He was huddled against the couch giggling like an idiot but it was hard to scowl when John Egbert was giggling.

God you were such a sap.

"This is so awesome!" John whispered, which didn't make sense since his dad wasn't home but whatever. "It feels like we're explorers on a mission!"

You rolled your eyes.

"What should we do now?" he asked happily, bouncing in excitement. "I brought some other games like Life and Guess Who!"

"Fuck no."

"Hehehe, oh, okay!" John said with a lopsided smile. "Well, uh, we could always go onto Pesterchum? Even though it kind of defeats the purpose of having a sleepover 'cause you know, that's when two men bond…."

"Egbert, men do _not_ bond during girly childish sleepovers by building forts and playing stupid board games," you deadpanned.

"Hehehe," was his derpy response.

You two fell silent and you felt annoyed yet again - GOD, you already made it clear that the e-mail was NOT written by you. Why is he acting like nothing had changed? He was still acting all anxious and nervous and fuck this was really getting ridiculous. At this point you might as well blurt out your stupid homosexual feeling for the idiot since by now your relationship is fucked up because of Vriskabitch.

"Uh, Karkat? Don't get mad but I want to ask you something…" John said timidly.

"What?"

"Uh so…Dave and Jade…they said that, uh, well, that you like me."

Your eye twitched. "They said that?"

"Yeah…"

"Hmm…"

"So, is it true? I mean, I know you didn't write that e-mail but…well…just…do you? Don't get mad, I'm sorry, this is stupid, forget it I just - "

THIS IS SO FUCKING AWKWARD.

**Karkat: kiss John and shut the fuckass up**

And you did.


	4. John: admit you're Karsexual

**John: get kissed by Karkat Vantas**

Wow, uh, okay.

You didn't even bother to hide your shock when chapped, rough lips press firmly against yours. You threw your arms out and flail dramatically, eyes popping out of your head in shock because _wow Karkat is KISSING ME_. That just doesn't happen. And, sure, the idea appeared every now and then whenever Karkat pursed his lips indigently when talking to Vriska because wow, his lips do look kind of kissable, but you quickly shook them off so you sort of forced yourself to repress those horrifyingly homosexual memories. But now, feeling them all pressed against your mouth, you can't help but sigh. Because wow. Just WOW. Kissing Karkat is actually nice and you don't even think about how gay this is and how usually you would be shoving him away.

He pulled away, eyes oddly glazed as if he feels as dazed as you do and _oh my god his lips are wet is that my spit oh my god why do I find that not gross?_

Because you don't find any of this gross and that scares you a little.

"Shut up," Karkat grunted and you blinked at him owlishly, blue eyes wide and lips parted in confusion.

"K-Karkat what…" you sputtered.

"Yes, John. I am completely and utterly homosexual for you and I am not ashamed to admit it. You're a complete and utter moron and you really piss me off most of the time but fuck it because yes, for god's sake, I like you." His brows furrowed together and he added, "like _that_," as if he had to make it completely clear what kind of like he means. And gosh do you!

"But…" you said slowly, eyes still wide and heart still racing rapidly. "But Vriska - "

"She insisted she help me 'seduce' you and wrote that shit but those are pretty much my feelings. At this point things are ridiculously awkward between us so I might as well tear my fucking heart out and serve it to you, bleeding and beating, on a silver platter."

You couldn't help it; you giggled because wow, that was a funny mental image. Karkat all dressed like a butler holding a silver tray with a beating heart to you as you sit at a dinner table. Hehehe. Oh, right, serious homosexual feeling conversation happening. Back to reality.

Oh. Karkat is glaring at you.

"Yeah, laugh, Egbert," he spat and your eyes widen. Oh, no, you weren't - "I'm aware you're not a homosexual because you fucking say it like your own personal mantra, so yeah, go on and laugh at the idiot who fell for the dumbest heterosexual Egbert to ever grace this disgusting filthy planet."

"I wasn't laughing at you!" you interjected.

"I'm pretty fucking sure 'hehehehe' is laughing, Egbert. Or giggling, what the fuck ever, same thing."

"I just - oh gosh!" you sputtered in confusion, licking your lips and oh, _oh_, it tasted like - was that Karkat you tasted? Oh gosh. This couldn't be happening. You could _not_ seriously be enjoying this, you could not actually like kissing Karkat or the idea that he loves you or or or -

Oh god.

Was this what Jade meant? The whole not noticing my feelings until it's thrown in your face? You had to talk to her. Right now. But gosh Karkat looked so angry and ashamed and you wanted to just hug him and tell him it's fine, everything is fine, but not now because you're too busy freaking and you feel like -

**John: abscond**

"Oh god, you're crying." Karkat's voice is blank, as if he was so shocked that he couldn't even muster up emotion.

You sniffed and rubbed at your nose rapidly, blinking tears away. "I'm not! I just - have something in my eye and I'll be right back I need to go to the bathroom and just - don't move okay?" you stammered out, scrambling out of your fort and running as fast as you possibly could to the bathroom.

You fumble with your phone (you had blindly grabbed it before fleeing the fort) and logged onto Pesterchum, going right for Jade and thanking the heavens she kept her promise of being online.

**- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -**

EB: jade! JAAAAADE!  
>GG: hahaha john!<br>GG: JOOOHN! what is it? :)  
>EB: karkat just kissed me!<br>EB: and confessed to me  
>GG: :O<br>EB: and uh well i  
>EB: i liked it<br>EB: the kissing thing i mean  
>EB: and i'm also really happy that he likes me<br>EB: and i'm freaking out! more than when i got that e-mail because jade i  
>EB: i think i like him too!<br>EB: which doesn't make sense because why would i suddenly like him after NOT for so long and?  
>EB: i'm so confused!<br>GG: oh my gosh!  
>GG: i knew it!<br>EB: jaaaaade!  
>GG: sorry sorry hehehehe<br>GG: listen john i dont know why youre talking to me about this!  
>GG: if you like him and you like kissing him then just follow your heart!<br>GG: if you want to kiss him kiss him  
>GG: if you want to be boyfriends do it! :D<br>GG: i mean john come on its not rocket science  
>EB: but up until this moment i've always been heterosexual<br>GG: oh pish posh!  
>GG: hehehe jake is having an influence on me<br>GG: sorry anyway!  
>GG: john stop thinking about it and just do what you feel is right<br>GG: everyone will support you! trust me!  
>GG: even karkats friends support you guys so if you become a couple youll have a bunch of us backing you up!<br>GG: and your dad is proud of everything you do  
>GG: you poop and hes all i'm proud of you son<br>GG: hehehe  
>GG: XD<br>EB: ew jade that is gross  
>EB: and ok he did that once but that's only because i was a kid and it was my first time using the toilet!<br>GG: oh my gosh  
>GG: lol<br>EB: you really think that's okay? to just…do what i feel is "right"?  
>GG: yeah john<br>GG: we want you to be happy :)  
>GG: go for it!<br>EB: hehehe  
>EB: thanks jade<br>GG: no problem text me if you need to talk again  
>EB: will do<br>EB: night  
>GG: night! :D<p>

**- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -**

By the time your enlightening discussion with Jade was over you had stopped crying like a wimp, thank goodness, and you took deep calming breaths. You were really grateful you had friends like Jade; she really made you feel better about all of this! You put your phone down and looked in the mirror with a small frown. Your hair was mussed up, your glasses askew and dotted with tears, your eyes rimmed just a bit red from your brief crying session. Snorting softly you took your glasses off and rubbed your eyes, wiping your glasses on your shirt as you mentally braced yourself for the huge amount of homo you're about to commit when you walk into that living room.

You grabbed your phone and exited the bathroom, hesitating for only a moment before crawling back into the fort. You put the phone down and turned to face Karkat, who was scooted far on the other side with his back pressed on the couch, knees curled against his chest, face buried against his knees and his arms were wrapped around his legs and oh gosh he looked so sad and it was your fault.

He flinched when you shuffled closer. "Uh…Karkat?"

"I was going to go home but then I…didn't." Oh gosh, his voice was so tiny and small and sad and you felt your heart squeeze. You made him like this, it was _your_ fault, and you hated that.

"I'm glad you didn't," you said. In a quieter voice you added, "Karkat, can you, uh…oh gosh…" you sheepishly cleared your throat and sat down right in front of the other boy. "Can you…kiss me again?"

His head snapped up so fast that you nearly fell onto your back in surprise. "Fuck you, Egbert!" he snapped with an enraged look on his face. "How dare you try to fucking prank me at a time like this!"

"What? No! I'm not - "

"This is fucking stupid, I'm going home. You can play your retarded board games and watch your shitty Nic Cage movies alone." He uncurled himself with an angry, hurt look on his face as he turned to crawl out from under the fort and leave forever and your feelings - all these raw, newly discovered feelings - what would happen to them? You didn't want him to go, he _couldn't_ go, not now. Panicking you lurched forward and grabbed his wrist, pulling him back under the fort. Ignoring his growls of protest your hands both fly to his face, holding it firmly and you turned his face to yours.

"Karkat." That's all you have to say and his expression changed, confused and a bit excited, and he didn't try to run away so you sighed softly and barely noticed the shiver Karkat let out when your breath fanned across his face. You're sort of relieved you brushed your teeth before building the fort because gosh that would be awkward if your breath stunk while kissing Karkat. Wow. Your thoughts. Come back, stop wandering off. We're dealing with feelings right now.

**John: admit you're Karsexual and kiss him**

Oh. Wow, okay. Yeah. Agreed.

Without a moment of hesitation you leaned forward and pressed your mouth to his, that feeling of warmth and giddiness from before returning and it made your stomach churn in the best way. Your hands were still on his cheeks and his skin grew hotter as he began to kiss back. Your heart broke a little because his kiss was so cautious, as if he was worried you'd pull away and suddenly giggle and say "hahaha I so got you, Karkat!" and that really broke your heart that he would even think you'd do that.

You deepened the kiss because yeah, wow, you really liked kissing Karkat.

He made this cute, sweet, quiet little guttural noise in the back of his throat when your tongue timidly tasted his lips and you couldn't believe you were actually doing this. But you took Jade's advice and just did what you felt was right, what you wanted and desired in that moment, just….do what your heart yearned for. And it yearned to kiss Karkat foreveeeeeer (extra emphasis on the 'e's for dramatic effect).

Karkat suddenly grew more confident and grabbed you by the hips, pulling you on top of him. It was a bit awkward and you knocked noses and he scowled, but then you giggled and he stared at you heatedly for a moment then you two were suddenly kissing again. But the timid, shy, we-are-so-totally-new-at-this-gay-thing atmosphere faded away replaced by we-are-horny-teenage-boys-and-wow-this-feels-amazing-I-want-more. Karkat was biting your lip and making these growling noises that caused a shudder to ripple through you because, gosh, you didn't realize how hot Karkat's angry noises could actually be.

He was kissing you like he was drowning and you were air. His mouth was open and all over you, biting your lips, sucking your tongue, and oh god oh god oh god you had to thank Jade later for pushing you into doing this because kissing Karkat was - it was better than Nic Cage!

Okay, well, maybe not. But it was a close second.

You panted heavily, tongue moving rapidly in the other male's mouth, hands flying to desperately grip his shoulders. "Karkat," you moaned out when his hands slid under your shirt and up your back, fingers soft and hot and it felt amazing. He stiffened at your moan and for a moment you panic, worried it grossed him out or something, but then his kiss turned more aggressive and his hips ground up against yours and _ohhh_. Oh. Oh gosh that felt nice.

You shifted so that you straddled his lap, hands still gripping his shoulders, and ground down against him in reply. His breath caught and he sighed shakily into your mouth and it was amazing so you did it again, rutting your crotch against his in his lap, and his back arched and this time he let out a low moan. You pulled away from the kiss and licked your lips, glasses hanging on your face at an awkward angle that made Karkat chuckle.

He removed them and threw them aside and you didn't even care, you just wanted to keep grinding and kissing. You leaned against him, pressing him to the couch, and kissed his throat, hands slipping to run up his back like he had done to you moments ago. He ground against you again and you licked his throat, sending gentle kisses up the side of his neck before licking the outer shell of his ear. He moaned, hands pausing on your back and hips thrusting up against you insistently.

"I like you too Karkat," you whispered in his ear, startled at how husky your voice sounded and how heavy your breath was. You yelped when suddenly Karkat jerked, nearly knocking you right off of him, and pushed you onto your back. He hovered above you, face flushed and consumed with….lust? Yeah, it looked like lust. He also looked really happy though it was hard to see through the hazy expression on his face but you really liked it.

"This isn't a prank," he said more like a statement than a question.

"No," you said with a breathless giggle, hands reaching out to smoosh his cheeks together. "I really like you a lot, Karkat."

He scowled and shook his head and with a laugh you removed your hands. To your surprise he pinned them down on either side of you. Frowning with the usual grumpy look on his face he leaned forward and brushed his lips over yours then moved down, pressing them to your throat. It tickled and a giggle escaped your lips but it turned into a groan when his mouth found your collarbone and he _sucked_.

"Oh man," you wheezed with a moan then a tiny giggle. "Karkat, this is so weird."

"Shut up."

"Hehehe okay," you managed with a grin, eyes shutting as you felt hot lips trail across your neck and collarbone, fingers idly crawling up your shirt and tugging it up. You blinked your eyes open and looked up, watching as Karkat tugged your shirt over your head then threw it aside like he did with your glasses. Before you could say something his mouth was all over your chest and you were writing helplessly beneath him. You felt ridiculous but you just let yourself go, eyes fluttering shut again as you happily let Karkat's mouth invade every part of you.

He slid his body up, hips pressed firmly against yours. This was moving way too fast but you suddenly didn't really care - well, you didn't really care from the start, but still. Screw formalities. You guys could go on a date tomorrow. Actually, you made a mental note to ask Karkat out to see a movie and get dinner or something. Isn't that how dates are supposed to go? But what was playing? You could only think of some shitty romantic comedies but, well, Karkat did like those so you guessed -

And suddenly you couldn't think anymore because Karkat suddenly had his pants off and oh gosh you did too when did that happen? And he was grinding against you again and your head was thrown back and you were just moaning like crazy, arching you back to press against him and buck into him. Suddenly you were blissfully moaning his name over and over again and you didn't even care how wanton and gross you sounded.

Karkat obviously didn't think you sounded gross. So you were fine with it.

"John," he breathed against your neck, grinding and thrusting dryly against each other. Your names left each other's lips, mingling together heatedly as the sounds of your boxers scratching against the others and your pants grew louder and fuzzier and suddenly you could only hear that.

"Oh god, Karkat," you gasped, hips trembling, "Sh-Shit I'm - "

He tilted his head up to kiss you. "Shh, only orgasms now."

You snorted then let out a laugh but when he thrust up on a particularly sensitive area your laughter abruptly changed into his name. All Karkat had to do was suck at your throat and you were gone, white exploding and consuming your vision as you all but screamed his name and you exploded. Your hands flew to grip his back, fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as he ground down on you and whined your name. You felt something hot and wet against you and realized Karkat came too, and you grinned because you pretty much caused that and wow, that kind of felt nice.

Your hands moved to wrap around his neck and you buried your face into the crook of his neck. Both of you were panting and Karkat held you, rolling onto his side so you were both lying down on your sides just looking at each other.

"Uh, wow," you giggled nervously. "That was, um…wow."

"Hmm," he grunted.

You both lay facing each other, legs entangled and foreheads pressed together and this was really gay and romantic and you felt like laughing. This really did feel nice and Jade was right, as always. You just did what you wanted and now you were satisfied and happy. But you did feel kind of sticky and gross and you were sure Karkat did too. With a sly smile you scooted closer and said, "We should probably shower."

Karkat blinked. "Egbert, what the fuck? Are you coming onto me?"

"What? No!" you pouted. "Well, maybe a little. It feels like our honeymoon period, hehehe. I thought showering together would be romantic or something!"

"Suddenly you're all gay Egbert," Karkat deadpanned.

"I'm not gay. I'm Karsexual."

His eyebrows rose. "Are you serious?"

"Yup!" you beamed. "As serious as a heart attack!"

He rolled his eyes but snuggled closer, burying his face into your hair. You two lay like that a little longer until finally Karkat said, "Actually I feel fucking disgusting, let's take a shower."

You laughed all the way to the bathroom.


	5. Vriska: rejoice

**- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

CG: VRISKA  
>CG: USUALLY DURING A SITUATION LIKE THIS I WOULD SPOUT OFF A SHITTON OF FUCK YOUR WAY<br>CG: FUCK SO VIOLENT AND ABUNDANT THAT YOU'D DROWN IN IT  
>CG: BUT BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY INTERFERENCE EGBERT AND I HAVE COME TO AN AGREEMENT<br>CG: A ROMANTIC AGREEMENT  
>CG: FUCK THIS SHIT WE'RE DATING<br>CG: I SUCK AT THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
>CG: BUT HELL IF I'M THANKING YOU, IT IS NOT HAPPENING. WHAT YOU DID COULD HAVE SCREWED EVERYTHING UP, YOU'RE JUST LUCKY IT DIDN'T.<br>CG: NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I MACK ON MY DERPY NEW BOYFRIEND  
>CG: OH AND ALSO<br>CG: FUCK YOU

**- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] -**

AG: Oh my goooooooosh!  
>AG: I am seriously the 8est friend ever!<br>AG: Hell yeah, go get your mack on, Karkles!

**Vriska: rejoice**

Your name is Vriska Serket and you are seriously the _best friend in the whole fucking world._ Nobody can deny it now; because of you, John Egbert and Karkat Vantas have finally stopped being idiots and locked lips! Or penises! Probably both, who knows and who cares, point was you were a miracle worker! Brimming with overwhelming pride you began to hum a merry tune, swirling on your computer desk as you winked and pulled a double pistol on your spiders (they ignored your fuckery) then you decided to brag.

Because after accomplishing a feat, of course the next step would be to brag about it!

You grinned and turned back to the computer, flipping your hair triumphantly before you eyed your chum list for someone worthy of listening to your incredible adventure/story/whatever. There was Rose, but she was kind of boring to talk to…so was Kanaya, and Aradia had no idea the whole Karkat-John thing was even a thing, Sollux was….augh….shit, there was no one except Strider! Well, he did seem the best option considering how protective he was over the whole e-mail fiasco.

Before you could message him, however, the phone rang. Your nose wrinkled in irritation but you answered it without bothering to check caller I.D. Really! Who dared interrupt your bragging session? You hadn't even sent that first glorious message yet!

"Helloooooooo," you crooned lazily in greeting, tipping back in your chair as you pursed your lips and stared vacantly at the ceiling.

"Spiderbitch," was the cool greeting. You, of course, nearly fell right out of your chair.

"Strider! How did you get my phone number? No, let me guess; you were so desperate to hear my sultry voice you crawled on your hands to knees to all my buddies to get it, isn't that right?"

"Wow, that is so wrong it's almost ironic," he deadpanned but then added, "actually no. It's not ironic at all. It's just stupid."

"Hehehehe!" was your gleeful reply. "Well whatever is troubling you must be important if you're taking the time and effort to call me. Spill, Striiiiiiiider."

"Jade just messaged me. Apparently John and Karkat - "

"Are a thing, I know!" you interrupted smugly. "And who made that happen? This girl."

"Well," he said blankly.

"I'm so proud of myself! Karkles has been sulking around for _months_ about his homoboner for John and I just graced their awkward selves with a few of my poetic words and bam! They're finally the homocouple we've always wanted them to be." You sniffed dramatically. "Ah, they grow up so fast."

He didn't reply after that and you sat up in your chair. "Ooooooooh, Striders gone all quiet~ what's wrong? Jealous? If you wanted John that bad you should've taken him when you had the chance!" you cooed mockingly.

"I'm just wondering why I even bothered calling you."

"Because you adore my company!"

"No, I remember now; I wanted to tell you something. Fuck with John again and I'll burn your spiders."

You gasped. "What? No, not my babies!" Then you laughed. "Cute, really, acting all protective over your friend. Trust me, that was a one time thing; I don't offer my help to just anyone anytime anywhere."

"Oh, also," Dave said coolly, "we should go see a movie or some shit sometime."

"Hehehe - wait," you sputtered, nearly choking on your own spit. "_What?_"

"An ironic date."

"An ironic date."

"Yup."

You pursed your lips. Really, you didn't have a clue of what went through that idiot's head. You loathed him, he loathed you, yet here he was asking you on a date. Ironic or not, a date is a date. Weird kid. You kind of liked it. A sly grin crossed your face and you leaned forward against your desk, resting your cheek against the palm of your hand.

"Well, Strider, how can I say no to that? I'll get an ironic dress for this ironic date and you better get me ironic flowers."

He snorted. "I don't think you get the irony thing."

"Doesn't matter, you're getting me flowers. I want roses."

"I took you for a sunflower kind of girl."

"Cute."

"I thought so."

"Whatever, sunflowers are nice too. Maybe I'll wear a summer dress to match," you said with a grin. "For ironic purposes!"

"Yeah. The irony thing? Stop."

"Oh, sorry, that's _your_ thing right?"

"Riiiiiiiight."

"Oh, screw you, Strider! Stop stealing my shit!"

"Consider your shit untouched."

"Pick me up at six tonight. We're seeing a romcom."

"Will do."

You hung up and leaned back in your seat with a smirk. You hadn't smiled this much since you pushed Tavros' wheelchair down the stairs then watched him flop around like a ragdoll. Speaking of Tavros, time to pester him and tell him about your date with Dave fucking Strider! _Jealousy games are always fun._

You'd give John the sex talk later.  
>(...for irony?)<p>

* * *

><p><strong>END NOTES<strong>: aaaand we are done.

Short chapter is short. hi. c:

yeah just wanted to wrap it up with some more vriska. and no, the ending was not hinted dave/vriska romance, it was hinted dave/vriska friendship. guuuursh. :c cause they're like a mommy and daddy whose kids just flew from the nest so they're gonna lick each other's wounds a bit by stealing shit and being all-around idiots. they'd probably fight on their ironic date though. hehehe.

right. so. sorry for the bad ending just…thought people would want to see vriska again (kay mostly i did haha).

it was fun! even though not a lot of people reviewed….for those who did, thank you so much! :'D adios!


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